The Aftermath
by GhostHelwig
Summary: Edd has gone through some unexplained changes... Rated R for sexual situations, violence, NC. Slash. Chapter 4 up now!
1. Chapter 1 Unchanging Edd

Disclaimer – I don't own or profit from Ed, Edd N Eddy.  Rated R for sexual situations.  Slash.  You have been warned.

THE AFTERMATH

Chapter 1 – Unchanging Edd

     He moved over me, pushing in, pulling on my hair.  I tried not to move too much.  He hated it when I did that.

     I didn't love him, not really, and he never lied and said he loved me.  I don't think he even ever saw me.  But he satisfied me, which was more than anyone I loved would ever do.

     We came, together, moaning into each other's mouths.  I reached up, tangling my fingers in his red hair.  He smiled.

     "Dork," he whispered almost affectionately.

     He pulled me closer to him for a moment, pressed his warm wet mouth to mine, then pushed me away.  I knew what he wanted.  As he rolled over and prepared to go to sleep, I got up and began pulling on my discarded clothes.  By the time I reached his bedroom door he was already snoring gently.

     I stood gazing over at Kevin, feeling unaccountably sad.  Then I left.

     He liked to grab my shoulders and ride me, taking me from behind, like we were simply two of his precious beasts.  For a usually mild-mannered young man, in bed he was aggressive, determined to satisfy himself – and me – as well and often as quickly as possible.  I was the one who had to teach him to slow down, to relax.  Sex isn't a race to a finish, it's a leisurely exploration of another person.

     The first time he'd taken me it was over before I thought it had begun, but, far  from embarrassed, he was proud.  I had to explain it to him, gently, but though I don't believe I made him understand he was more than willing to try again.  And again and again and again...

     So there we were, and he rode me hard, and I was gasping and moaning before the end.  As ever, he was fidgety afterwards, calming only when it was apparent I was leaving.  I know that in the old world he's from two boys are allowed to sleep together when their need is great, but beyond that everything is kind of frowned upon.  He never mentions this, but he doesn't have to.  I know how he feels about us.  About me.

     So I finish dressing quickly, wiping sweat from my brow.  At the touch of my own cold sweat I find myself wondering – if I died tomorrow, would any of my lovers come to my funeral?  Would they look around guiltily at each other if they did, wondering if anyone else knew?  Or would they just not show up?  Maybe they'd even be relieved, or simply mourn the lost sex...

     So go my thoughts.  And as I begin to walk towards the door of the shed, not bothering to try for a goodbye kiss (his dead great-Nano would not approve), Rolf suddenly fidgets again and calls out, "goodnight, Ed-boy."

     So he does notice me.  I look back over my shoulder and try to smile, but my face has gone numb.  I let myself out into the cold night air, feeling the sweat begin to dry on my skin, and decide to take the long way home.

     After all, no one's there for me, waiting for me.

     No one ever is.

     Another night, another lover.

     He's new, this one, and younger.  And though one would think I would rule him he is dominant, bordering on cruel when it suits him.  I try not to upset him.  I try not to rock the boat.  But sometimes the outside world frustrates him, and so he takes it out on me.

     Which is fine – I'm rather used to that.

     For all his new airs and dire sophistication, when we're together he reverts back to the child he once was.  He dominates me, but I don't think he thinks about me.  I was never the focus of his life or his rage.  And when he's inside me, he remembers who was.

     I don't know why I sleep with him.  You wouldn't think so, but of all my lovers he is possibly the least attractive to me.  He's too... dishonest.  He never shows the real him.

     And neither do I, anymore, though that's probably why I can't stand it in him.

     But I'd never stop him, I'd never stop anyone, so I let him do what he wishes to my loathsome body.  And when it's over I leave without a word.  He likes to be alone afterwards, to revel in what he always sees as a victory over the demons and disasters of his childhood.

     Sometimes I don't think Jimmy is quite sane.

     But then, who is?

     It's the wood I hate.  It's been polished by now, and over the years it's been whittled down by age and accident, but it's still a hefty thing.  But he won't let it go, and I wonder at my former sympathy with him.  Was I blind, or simply an idiot?

     Perhaps both.

     So he holds it, that old wood, during our kisses and caresses, and then he uses it on me.  He's gentle, at first, but it's _wood_, and the whole situation is so... uncouth.  I wish I could stop him.  I wish he'd stop on his own.

     Wishes are useless.

     And my younger lovers dominate me.  Just as my older lovers ignore me.  That's just how things are.

     And as Jonny wields Plank inside me like a jackhammer, with all the finesse his rampaging hormones will allow, I find myself wishing yet again that things were different.

     But he moves Plank away to stick himself in, within a few thrusts he comes inside me, and the sensation causes me to spill in his hand.  And I suddenly know.

     Things will never be different.

     Because I can't change what I am.

     I wasn't always like this.  I was fussy once; no one could touch me.  But then someone did.

     And now I don't know who I really am.   


	2. Chapter 2 The Beginning Of The Edd

Disclaimer – I don't own or profit from Ed, Edd N Eddy.  This story is complete and utter fiction dreamed up by me.  Rated R for sexual situations, violence, N/C.

Author's Note – In chapter one, everyone seems fixated on Plank and how he, um... 'fits in,' so to speak.  Perhaps I didn't make it clear enough – he's not a rectangular board anymore.  He's had accidents, etc., that have whittled him down considerably.  Satisfied?

Anyway, enjoy.  Peace, all.

Chapter 2 – The Beginning Of The Edd

     *Before...*

     It was the day Eddy's brother was set to return.  Eddy's parents had demanded their prodigal son's return home be limited to family, so Ed and I, despite being closer to Eddy than even his brother was, were not allowed to be there.

     Technically.

     But Eddy was nervous, though he'd never admit it.  He just wanted so badly to be respected by his brother.  So Ed and I stuck around outside, loitering in the street.  Ed played in the dirt, digging and laughing, while I tried not to stare too openly at Eddy's nearby house.

     It wasn't long before the man of the hour drove up.  He looked much like Eddy, only taller and leaner.  He saw us, he saw me staring, and for a moment he stared back.  I blushed and had to look down.  By the time I looked up again, he was gone.

     Ed and I didn't hear from Eddy all day, though I often caught his brother looking out the window at us.  At dinnertime Sarah came to drag Ed home, and I returned to my own domicile alone.

     I should've just stayed inside after my silent, solitary meal, but I couldn't.  I was worried about Eddy.  So I went outside and waited awhile, studying the bugs in my yard.  I was engrossed in the antics of a particularly energetic ant when I heard an unfamiliar voice sound just behind me.

     "You just have to be Double D."

     I glanced up, surprised.  Eddy's brother was staring down at me.  He smiled.

     "I remember you," he went on, "from the tape the little pipsqueak sent me."  He smiled again, charmingly.  "Studying bugs kinda gives you away, too."

     I fought off another blush as I stood up, brushing nonexistent dirt off my hands.  Even kneeling on the grass I try to stay as clean as possible.

     I looked at him again.  Even standing he had inches – not to mention pounds – on me.  (There's something about the way Eddy and his brother are built – even later, though I do not know it now, they will be bigger than me.  Almost everyone is bigger than me.)

     When I said nothing his smile broadened.  "You _are_ Double D, aren't you?"  I nodded.  He grinned even brighter and moved closer to me, saying in a conspiratorial whisper, "good.  Because I have a secret message for one Double D.  From Eddy."

     My heartbeat increased, pounding in my chest.  A secret message?  For me?  From Eddy?

     It was so... clandestine.  It was almost... romantic.

     I had to mentally give myself a good hard shake.  Eddy was probably just being secretive because he'd come up with what he thought was the perfect scam, and he didn't want anyone to give it away.

     "So what's the message?" I asked, trying for nonchalance.  Being casual has never been my strong suit, but I gave it a good go.

     "Meet him in the abandoned van at midnight," Eddy's brother said softly.  "All will be explained."

     "Midnight?"  I gulped nervously.  "I can't be out at midnight, it's too-"

     "Midnight," Eddy's brother replied firmly.  "Has to be midnight."  With a knowing look back at my silent house, he went on, "I'm sure you can sneak out."

     I blushed again and looked down.  Sneak out?  I could walk out my front door.  My parents weren't home.  They rarely were.

     Eddy's brother knew.  He must've known.  He smiled at me, kindly, and he knew.

     I turned and left, not quite running.

     Midnight.  I got to the van a little early, and crawled inside the back.  It was dark, and I'd brought a flashlight, though I hadn't used it.  I didn't use it now.

     I waited.  It wasn't long before the van door opened again, and someone entered.  "Eddy?" I called out quietly.  The door slid shut in response.

     The clouds outside were covering the sky, so that very little light filtered in through the front window.  In other words, I couldn't see.  I was about to reach for my flashlight when I felt a hand on my upper thigh.  I froze.

     "E-Eddy?" I whispered.

     A mouth met mine in the dark, pressing, pressuring.  I melted.  He kissed me harder, pushing me back on the old, stained waterbed.  I moaned his name into his mouth.

     The hand on my leg moved up, stroked my inner thigh.  I suddenly choked.  Too fast.  This was all too fast...

     "Eddy," I breathed.  "Stop."

     His mouth pressed down harder, his tongue jabbed down my throat.  The hand that had been caressing me moved to cup me.  I jerked away.

     "Eddy," I gasped.  "Please-"

     I don't know what happened.  Did the clouds move?  Had my eyes simply adjusted?  Or did some dormant part of my brain suddenly awaken to show me the truth?

     It didn't – it doesn't – matter.  What matters is what I saw.

     It wasn't Eddy who'd been kissing me-

     That was wishful thinking.

     The person it had really been?

     Eddy's brother.

     Surprise coated my insides, liberally mixed with a heady amount of shame.  He'd heard me, heard my moans, my wistful utterances of hidden desires-

     Before I could stutter out his name he was on me.  His lips skid over mine.  His knee expertly spread my legs.  His hands delved into my crotch.

     I struggled, but he was so big...  Bigger than I...  Despite everything I was ever told, I'd never really realized it before then, how skinny and weak I was, but in that moment I knew.  I knew.

     He pulled me closer, trapped me underneath him.  His hot hands pulled up my shirt, slid over my skin.  I felt his fingers playing with my nipples, and against my will I could feel them stiffening.  Somehow I managed to free my mouth long enough to utter a plea.

     "Please – please, I'm begging you-"

     His mouth recaptured mine, and I couldn't breathe.  He finally released my lips so he could whisper into my ear as I struggled to catch my breath.

     "I know you want me.  No need to beg."

     I flushed hotly.  That wasn't why I – I tried to speak, to tell him so, but he kissed me again.

     And yet, as I tried to speak, for all my supposed brains I still didn't understand.  What he was doing, why he was doing it, what the outcome would be – I couldn't grasp it.  My brain, so scientific, so rational, so logical, shut down in the face of this new stimuli.  _I_ shut down.

     His tongue slid between my lips, his hands tore at my red shirt, ripping it.  I felt like his fingers were rubbing my skin raw, his tongue exploring and scouring my mouth until I was practically choking on the wet, insistent, slippery rag.

     I couldn't cry out, I hadn't the breath.  And his hands moved, pulling my shorts down – how did he get them off me?  How?

     (Even now, I don't know.)

     (And even now, I can't remember when I started to cry.)

     The tears were just there, noticed because they began to slip in between our tightly clenched mouths, adding a dab of salt to the taste of bile quickly rising in my throat.  When his lips slid down to my neck I tried to sob out a plea, though in my heart I sobbed out a prayer.

     "Please," I begged, breathless.  "Please, stop-"

     He laughed.

     He laughed.  At me.  And I cringed.  I so hate being laughed at.

     "Stop it!" I cried out.  "Stop this _right now_ or I'll-" 

     I didn't even get a chance to finish my empty threat.  He captured my lips once more, plundering my mouth.  By now all I had left on was my underwear and my precious hat.

     My hat.  It's my protection.  My boundary.  My wall.

     And it failed me.

     He reached into my underwear, and I recoiled.  He laughed again, he laughed Eddy's laugh, and suddenly pushed me down hard.  The waterbed shook wildly beneath us, throwing me down again when I would've tried to struggle up.  The waves didn't affect him, though; he simply leaned up and stripped off his own shirt.  Within seconds his pants were off as well, and he was naked.

     I froze.  Eddy's brother was nude before me.  Against my own volition my eyes fell to his groin, and I blushed hotly.  He was... aroused.  But why?

     He reached for me again, but I was ready.  I swung at him with all my strength.

     He caught my wrist, wrenched my arm around to pin it to my side, and kissed me again.  He pushed me back onto the bed, pinned me there.  His skin slid along mine.  He reached up and pinched my left nipple, making me jump and cry out.

     His wet lips left sloppy kisses trailing down my throat.  I could feel his saliva cooling on my skin, and yet it was burning, burning.

     His lips delved lower, while I struggled to lift my somehow trapped arms, wanting so badly to push him away.  It felt like he'd grown more limbs, like he was everywhere.  I couldn't escape him.

     And he went lower, sucking on one nipple and then the other, turning them from soft nubs of flesh to burning peaks of molten heat – and God I hated him for it.

     Even as I flailed, and fought, and tried not to faint he used all his considerable skills to draw pleasure from me, knowing I guess that the greatest pain can come from finding pleasure in pain.

     And oh my was there pain.  If God exists he was mocking me.  To see a bigger, older version of my Eddy bent over me, licking and sucking me – it was a perversion of every silent, private dream I'd ever had.  It cut deep.

     His hands went to my underwear, and in my panic I did the thing I always do when I'm terrified out of my wits.

     In a shrill voice I screamed out Eddy's name.

     But he didn't hear me.


	3. Chapter 3 Truth Of The Edd

Disclaimer – I don't own or profit from Ed, Edd N Eddy.  This story is my own, though.  Rated R for sexual situations, N/C, violence.

Author's Note – I apologize for both the short length and the long update time for this chapter.  I have no excuses.  That said, enjoy.  Peace, all.

Chapter 3 – Truth Of The Edd

     Ed still lives at home.  He still has his basement.  I visit him there as often as I can.

     After Nazz's pregnancy scare, she dropped Kevin and moved out to Los Angeles to become an actress.  Sarah got her G.E.D. at sixteen just so she could follow her.  I hear from Ed they're together now, and very happy.  I saw Nazz on a national television commercial just last week.

     As for the others...  I've already said what they're doing.

     Or rather, who they're doing.

     Except, of course, I haven't mentioned one person.

     Eddy.

     He's a salesman.  He works at a used car dealership right now, the same one his father used to work at, though while he was attending his one and only year of community college he worked as a telemarketer for a credit card company.  He's never married.  He has dated.  And for all he's told me, he's no more a virgin than I am.

     Not that he knows that.

     For Ed and Eddy still think I'm an innocent.  They don't know of my late-night trysts with various boys from the cul-de-sac.  And if I have my way, they never will.

     I'm not even certain Ed would understand.  He seems so dim at times, and yet at others...  I catch him looking at me with this weird, sad expression, but then his eyes go unfocused again...  I wonder if he knows more than I think.

     Eddy, I'm certain, does not.

     Eddy is oblivious.

     But then, Eddy was always oblivious to me.

     I knock on Ed's door, then open it.  The house is strangely silent.  When we were younger, it always seemed filled to the brim with Sarah's angry chaos and Ed's bright, beaming radiance.  Now, it just seems empty.

     It wouldn't be unlike Ed to leave his front door unlocked, but I decide to investigate further.  After all, I've laid awake at night worrying about Ed, wondering if one day he'll do something really... well... _dim_, and get seriously hurt, so I can't very well walk away now, now can I?

     So I enter further, closing the door softly after myself.  No need to advertise the unlocked door.  "Ed?" I call softly.  "Ed, are you home?"

     Still no reply.  Horrible images – Ed with his body crisped and dead after sticking his finger in a socket, for instance – begin to flood my mind.  I hurry to the stairs.

     I'm halfway down when I hear voices.  Ed and Eddy.  My heart pounds, and I'm about to call out to them when I hear my name.  I stop cold.

     "...Double D likes us, Eddy."

     "I know that, Lumpy.  But Sockhead'll never understand."

     "Understand what, Eddy?"

     I can hear Eddy grumbling angrily.  With baited breath I wait to hear more, my heart pounding out a sick, contradictory rhythm.  Pound.  Pray they say more.  Pound.  Pray they stop.  Pound.  Pray they say more.

     Pound.  Pray they stop.

     They don't stop.

     "Try to stay with me here, Monobrow," Eddy snaps.  "What're we gonna tell Sockhead?"

     "About what, Eddy?"

     I hear Eddy give a little scream of frustration, and I cringe.  Without meaning to I move, and the stair beneath my feet creaks.  Eddy falls silent.

     I know he's heard me.  I stop breathing and begin to sweat.  If he even peaks his head out Ed's door he'll see me on the stairs.

     But for some reason, he doesn't.  After waiting for a while (during which time I become increasingly light-headed) he goes on again, like nothing's happened.  Ed, naturally, doesn't notice a thing.

     "What do we tell him, Lumpy?" Eddy asks, and I can suddenly breathe again.  The light-headed feeling begins to fade.

     And then Eddy speaks again.

     "What do we tell him about us?"

     I can't breathe.

     Us?  There's an 'us'?  He and Ed form an 'us'?

     They form an 'us'... without me?

     "We can tell Double D the truth, Eddy," I can hear Ed say around the horrified sadness that fills my mind.  "He likes us."

     "Quit sayin' that!"  Eddy sounds really irritated – I want to go in and support Ed by letting Eddy rant at me (like usual), but my legs don't work.

     I have to know, now, what they're arguing about.  I have to.

     And Eddy doesn't disappoint.

     "C'mon, Lumpy, focus," he finally says.  "We gotta figure out what to say to Double D."

     "We can tell him that chickens are nibbling our toes, Eddy," I hear Ed say sagely, and I stifle a laugh.  Lovable oaf.

     I hear Eddy growling, grumbling, but he's too quiet, mumbling under his breath.  I can't hear what he says.

     So I wait, and before long Eddy is talking aloud once more.

     "We gotta tell Sockhead the truth, Lumpy," he says, and I blanch.  Truth?  Have they lied to me?

     Then Eddy goes on.

     "We have to tell him what we know-"

     I turn and run back up the stairs and out of the house.  


	4. Chapter 4 That's The Way The Edd Crumble...

Disclaimer – I do not own or profit from Ed, Edd N Eddy. This story was created purely for my own perverted amusement. Rated R for reasons I'm sure anyone who's gotten this far already knows.

Author's note – I bet you all thought I'd forgotten, didn't you? Fooled you! ('grins') Seriously, I apologize for the horribly long time between updates, the tense I foolishly chose to write this in makes it very hard to write each chapter... However, I swear I will finish this story! You have my solemn vow. ('gulps')

If anyone's curious, there is a mention (but _only_ a mention, I swear!) of an OC in this chapter, & no, you'll never meet her in this or any other fanfic. However, she belongs to myself and darthelwig, and you _will_ meet her in my original stories (found at fictionpress under this pen name & at my own website, if you really want to know...). She's not in any stories yet, now that I think about it, but she will be...

This chapter is dedicated to ShellyG, who's fanfic "Smooth Criminal" just got deleted from this site for reasons unknown to the both of us. I know this isn't the same as having your baby back up here, dear, but I hope it cheers you a little all the same.

Anyway, enjoy. Peace, all.

* * *

The Aftermath

Chapter 4 – That's The Way The Edd Crumbles

by Ghost Helwig

* * *

They know, they know, they know. 

They know what I am, they know what I've done. That must be what they're discussing.

They know, they know, they know.

I'm running through the cul-de-sac, to I-don't-even-know-where. All I can do is run, the stitch in my side slowing me down. I hate running.

But they know.

They know, they know, they know.

I'm back in my house and stumbling up to my bedroom before I can think. Finally I collapse on my childhood bed, weak-kneed and gasping.

I've never really left this place. I tried. Six wasted years of community college got me various degrees and many accolades, but I still hate who I am.

I think my parents hate me, too. All they wanted from me was perfection, and I delivered for a very long time, give or take a few 'habits' they never approved of (like my friends, for instance). But then I really failed them. I was accepted to countless Ivy League schools, on scholarships even, but where did I go?

Community college.

With Eddy for the first year, which made my parents even more resentful of him. But then he dropped out, and I kept going.

To my parents I was a failure. Sticky notes all around the house glared at me in yellow-eyed displeasure and disapproval. But I'd long since stopped caring what those notes said.

I've long since stopped caring about anything.

Except Ed and Eddy. I always care about Ed and Eddy.

But they know. They know, they know, they know.

I want to run, to go, to escape, but I have nowhere to go... I have nothing. Nothing besides them.

And they know.

They know who I am.

I'm weeping, but I didn't notice it until now. I can't stop, either. The last two people who ever had any faith in me at all now know the truth. For all my brains, for all my promise, a slut is all I ever became, all I probably ever was.

And now my two best friends know it.

((((()))))

I don't know when I fell asleep, but I must've slept for awhile – by the time I sat up it was dark outside my windows.

I find it funny that crying myself to sleep is the only time in who knows how many years that I've slept without nightmares.

...He comes to me in my dreams, you see. Always.

It's then I hear a knock. I know who it is. I wonder, fleetingly, why they bother knocking. They don't have to.

I stumble downstairs, unable to fully wake up. I've been utterly worn out and exhausted for what feels like years now... I guess that happens when you're afraid to sleep, and have bad dreams when you finally manage to...

I'm at the door before I know it, and as the doorknob turns beneath my palm I feel a sudden, inexplicable dread. I shouldn't open the door.

But that's irrational, illogical, and thus it has no place in my life.

I shake off my strange thoughts with an irritated sigh. The isolation and cold I surround my heart with must be affecting my sanity, for me to be thinking this way...

I open the door, and instead of seeing Ed and Eddy-

There's Eddy's brother.

I scream. And all he does is smile in that sickening way he has, that way that is so like Eddy's cocky grin that it causes me physical pain to look at it. I try to slam the door, but he blocks it with his foot. And while I struggle to push the door forward he suddenly moves, ramming his way into my house – it's only my quick and fearful backing up that keeps him from colliding with me.

But he moves towards me quicker than I can walk backwards, and he's reaching for me, and his hands are on my shoulders and I'm screaming. And he leers at me and his lips are descending and I'm screaming even louder and he's shaking me, shaking me roughly, shaking me...

And calling me Edd?

Suddenly my eyes are opening, and I find myself staring into Eddy's concerned face. His warm hands are on my shoulders, and behind him I see Ed staring at me, too...

Even though I know it will only confuse them, even though I know I have to hide, I let the tears fall. What does it matter anyway, since they already know my sins? They've seen the evil in me – showing them weakness is nothing compared to that.

I expect Eddy to move then, to let me go quickly – emotional outbursts that don't involve anger but pain have always embarrassed and upset him. But he just stares at me, and his hands begin to rub my shoulders, gently. I think... I think he's trying to _comfort_ me. And the shock that causes it not nearly so bad as the guilt I suddenly feel – I do Eddy a huge disservice by being surprised at all by his care.

I rub my eyes, trying to halt the flood, barely hearing Ed's worried commentary on the situation. He's such a good person, Ed is... They _both_ are good people. Better than I feel I deserve.

I pull away from Eddy, earning myself a strangely annoyed glare from suddenly veiled blue eyes. Eddy has a secret, or so he thinks, that's easy enough to see. And with baited breath I wait for him to speak, to tell me what he knows, while inside me a great font of chaotic desperation swells and spins.

Eddy was never patient, never the type to wait long. Soon he's opening his mouth-

But before he can speak words are spilling unchecked out of mine.

And I damn myself with each one.

((((()))))

"You don't know how it was! When it started – it was just Kevin at first, I swear! He found me after school in the library, I was working late, you know, shelving books when I had my job there? And he was looking for something, "The Iliad" if I recall correctly, and I helped him find it, and afterwards he grabbed me, and he kissed me, and okay, I know it was stupid, but I just _let_ him! I didn't ask him to, I didn't _want_ him to, but he wanted me, and so I–"

In a small voice I say, "I did what he wanted."

They don't speak, don't blink. And their stark silence spurs me into hurried speech once more.

"It stopped when we went to college, Kevin was here, at the jawbreaker factor, so it had to stop! But I – okay, there were boys at college, too, never the same ones more than once... And girls, a few, but... I had a girlfriend for a while, you remember, don't you, Eddy? Cassie was great, but I couldn't – she knew there was something wrong with me, y'see. She _knew_. Oh, but Ed, you should've met her, she would've loved you..."

I know I'm losing focus, getting off-track, so I switch gears. And still Ed and Eddy are utterly quiet, Ed staring at me with a kind of mystified unease, Eddy looking at me like he's never seen me before.

It breaks my heart.

"When I came back here after college I swore I'd be better. But I – I couldn't _change_. I _can't_ change. Kevin found me the day I came back, and then when I visited Rolf he... I think Kevin must've told him, because he was really open with what he wanted. We were in his barn, and he-"

I stop when I see Ed's jaw twitch. Too much information is flooding in, I think I'm losing him. And I really shouldn't be giving them details of my first 'encounter' with Rolf, anyway...

I continue, but I'm losing steam. I wish I hadn't started. I wish Ed wouldn't stare. I wish...

I wish Eddy _was_ still staring, because now he can't even look at me.

"Jonny was next," I practically whisper. "Him and... and Plank." I stifle an inappropriate giggle. That piece of wood isn't even a shell of it's former self, it's still long but so skinny it's starting to resemble an overlarge toothpick, but he uses it on me, and it's degrading beyond words... I can't bear to say any more about Jonny and Plank, so I move on.

"And then there's Jimmy," I say softly. This time Eddy's cheek twitches. He and Jimmy have a history that is as colorful as mine with Jimmy's is dark. And both Eddy and I know it, now.

"Jimmy – he explained it to me as an experiment, as helping him find out who he is," I add quietly. "But it was a lie. I could tell the first time he touched me that he knew precisely what he was doing, and why. He uses me. I think... I think he uses me to get to _you_, Eddy."

That's enough to make Eddy finally look up, locking eyes with me. I'm nearly sent off into hysterics again when I see that the reason Eddy couldn't look me in the face was because he was crying. I know how much his own tears embarrass him.

But before I can offer any words of comfort, he speaks, in a soft, broken voice that is quite terribly unlike him.

"Is that... everyone?"

My turn to lower my gaze. I shake my head.

A strangled sound escapes Eddy, and I look back up at him. In a choked whisper, he asks, "not _Sarah_?" He can't help but glance over his shoulder at Ed, who's still standing where he was when I first saw him, processing my words but having thankfully not heard Eddy's. Or so I know we both pray.

Again I shake my head, and Eddy's eyes go disbelieving and wide. "Nazz?" he asks in an unmistakably amazed tone. All I can do is shake my head one more time. My words have dried up.

Eddy's eyes narrow, a look I instantly recognize. The wheels in his head are turning, and he doesn't like what they're showing him. The anger will follow. To stem its flow, I force myself to speak through lips gone utterly dry.

"They kept saying, 'we've only got a little bit of time left'. Do you remember? They'd say that, and they'd grab us, and say how 'tonight's the night', and 'nothing will be the same' and I... I panicked. I went to their home after school. I offered myself, to keep both of you safe. I thought, 'if one of us has to suffer this, it might as well be me'."

I look at my lap, at my hands twisting around each other, at my useless, powerless, ugly fingers.

"They agreed," I say softly. "They took turns with me. My first experience with women." I laugh, bitterly, tasting bile in the back of my throat. "But it was fitting, don't you think? The Kankers were my first kisses from women, too, after all."

I shake my head, a few worthless tears falling down my cheeks. I force myself to keep on, though the room feels so _cold_ now, and _tense_, and _harsh_...

It's so harsh it hurts.

"They laughed at me when it was all over. It turned out, they were moving away that night... And if I'd bothered to use my brain before panicking like I had, I would've noticed the boxes all around their trailer, the packing tape... But I lost my head, because I was _scared_. I didn't want you and Ed to suffer like... I didn't want you to suffer."

I bite my tongue, glad I caught myself before I revealed too much. How would Eddy feel if he knew what his brother had done-

And that I'd let him do it?

But before I can pursue that thought, Eddy has shot up from the bed, distancing himself from me with hurried, angry steps. I suddenly want to vomit.

He spins back towards me, and his loud voice even causes the poor, still stunned Ed to flinch.

"Don't you _dare_ say you did this because of Ed and me! We would _never_ have asked you to _sacrifice_ yourself like that! And what the _hell_ did you _think_ the Kankers were gonna _do_, anyway? _Rape_ us? Even if they _had_, I would've preferred it to you turning yourself into some kinda _whore_!"

He's breathing hard, while I suddenly can't breathe at all.

For whatever reason, Ed chooses then to burst into tears. His anguish stops both Eddy and me cold. Hurting him is something we both, whether Eddy will admit it or not, studiously avoid.

But I can't comfort Ed, not now, and Eddy's never known how. So all Eddy can do is tell Ed to go home, that he'll meet him there-

And all I can do is... _nothing_.

Ed leaves after a lot of prompting and practically pushing from Eddy, while I just sit and watch... and wait. Eddy's not through with me yet. If he was, he would've left with Ed.

Sure enough, he turns to me as soon as Ed is out the door, and for a moment I think he's going to yell some more, or maybe spit on me. Rolf did that once. But though I can tell Eddy wants to yell, he doesn't – when he speaks, his voice is low, hard and sad all at once, and it cuts me all the deeper because of it.

"We came here to tell you... we were both in love with you."

I can feel my own eyes widening, filling with tears, as Eddy just stares at me, hard. There's so much in his dark gaze that I can't read it at all.

He leaves. And I sink down to the bed, unable to see through the haze of my tears. They _didn't_ know.

...But they do now.


End file.
